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Bored and curious...?s for anyone who feels like talking about themselves - dysthymics [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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Bored and curious...?s for anyone who feels like talking about themselves [Jan. 17th, 2010|08:43 pm]

Just sort of bored and procrastinating.

1) Does anyone feel like they might (shamefully) enjoy being depressed or anxious? Or: Do you have anxiety-provoking daydreams just for the fun of it? In my case it is more anxiety that I will try to stir up deliberately, for the "rush" or it or something. Often involving daydreams of jealousy, cutting, suicide attempt etc. Or rape fantasies involving embarrassing or belittling situations. Often nothing more than a daydream to pass time. Curious if this is a harmless thing that lots of people do and don't advertise, or a symptom of something else. Or worst case am I just "emo" and attention seeking (yikes).

2) To what extent does procrastination play in your life an how do you deal with it? I will often go into a state of paralysis and not accomplish anything for hours (or days) at a time. Unless I am 1. on Ritalin 2. consuming a lot of caffeine or 3.  having set a very rigid and extreme schedule for myself that I cannot step off for fear of never getting started again.

3) To what extent has therapy helped you? I have a shrink that I LOVE because he is very humanistic, has a ton of personality and is very smart. But after two years of going to him for the pleasure of chatting for an hour, I wonder if he has actually helped me at all, or to what extent that is even possible. I often get a great deal more out of motivational speakers, if only because they more forcefully tell me what action to take (whereas my shrink insists I should have more charge of my own life).

4) How do you deal with insecurities in relationships? I often think this is my own problem becaues I do not have enough confidence/self-esteem/etc. so I do not like to involve or accuse my boyfriend. But often I don't know how to deal with it and worry it will sabotage the relationship.

I love anonymous blogs :) I also like this community as it is does not have quite the morbidity of other depression-related forums. i.e. people are actually focused on recovery rather than further immersing themselves in misery.


[User Picture]From: bastet11191967
2010-01-18 05:48 pm (UTC)

Very Thought-provoking Questions

I don't know if I enjoy feeling anxious or depressed, but I have found it can become a habit in itself, like smoking or drinking, that is hard to break. I tend to come up with a lot of anxiety-provoking thoughts as well. I am not sure if it is a symptom of something specifically related to dysthymia, or it could be another way of displaying some unresolved stuff going on in my life. For example, when I got a speeding ticket two years ago, I started having thoughts of possibly getting stopped for yet another traffic violation and getting hauled off to jail. Of course, it did not help that I procrastinated on paying the fine in the first place and received a letter stating that if I did not pay it ASAP, they would come and collect me instead. :o

On the note of procrastination, I have only in recent years became aware of how established it was in my life, like the traffic ticket thing mentioned previously. While I had been in therapy in the past, it took looking at some things in my past to see where it started. In seventh grade, I transferred to a new school. Now throw in the teenage transformation awkwardness and leaving behind old friends to deal with new people and school bullies, along with first period accompanied by depression: what a mess. I also had to contend with my fellow classmates trying to copy off my homework rather than doing their own. Since I had not any assertiveness skills, I went passive-aggressive: I simply would not do my homework until the last minute, so if anyone bothered me about copying my work, I would show them the blank sheet of paper. Sometimes, I would write down the wrong answers for kicks. It did the trick of making me less appealing for cheating on their work and forced them to do their own (or in some cases, drop out of school). However, it became a huge problem as I got older, where being prompt and timely with my work was more critical. One year, I made a resolution to do something about the procrastination, and it got worse before it got better. I still struggle with it, but it is getting better, one day at a time.

I have been in therapy off and on, due to availability. I usually went in when I was dealing with a more immediate crisis situation at the time, but I had a good therapist who helped me to get past the bullshit and start working on solutions. I also attend support groups such as Al-Anon, since alcoholism is a problem in my family. When I went to therapy, I found taking copies of troublesome e-mails or even journal entries when I was too tear-stricken to speak, useful. It helped to have someone impartial look at them and offer some thoughts about them, as I usually could not initially get past the reaction of "Why am I getting this poison pen shit? Did I do something to deserve this?"

Ah, relationships. I wish I had a really good answer to that one. Since I struggle with financial problems, that is a really huge trigger for me. I feel like I am unable to pull my own weight, not to mention own my own power, if I am dependent upon another person. Right now, I am not in a relationship, and have not been for some time. I would love to get back into dating again, but I need to address the other issue first because it does drive me to distraction.

Enjoy the shrt novel :)
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[User Picture]From: smellykaka
2010-01-18 11:21 pm (UTC)
I had a few sessions of CBT a bit over a year ago, and I didn't find it that helpful - mostly I think that I'd already discovered for myself many of its principles.
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[User Picture]From: akaerin
2010-01-19 10:51 am (UTC)
I agree with that. The thing with CBT is that I know that my 'warpy thoughts' are irrational, but thinking that doesn't seem to change how I feel.
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