Log in

at a loss - dysthymics [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

at a loss [Dec. 20th, 2009|02:54 pm]
Hello group, I'm not sure this is the right place for me, but I was wondering if anyone could help shed some light. 

I have never been formally diagnosed with anything, but have gone through some periods of depression starting from middle school. I know I was depressed at certain times in my life because I would sleep all day or just stay in bed, cry often, cut occassionally and had no energy. But those periods were very brief. In a way I prefer those periods because it was more clear to me that something was wrong and I was certain of my own sadness. I rarely feel like that anymore.

In general, I am not sure what I feel other than "bored" and "tired" much of the time, with little motivation. I have energy in bursts when I get excited about something. There seem to be shallow ups and downs. I always bounce back with some new "life plan" to invigorate me, but it is short lived. I know I am lucky to be so resilient, but sometimes I wish I would just give up.

I can be very outgoing with certain people, especially in relationships - I love being in relationships. I seem to find identity in the people I am with, otherwise I feel very lost, disconnected, and extremely indecisive. I am very shy in "organized" settings, i.e. work or school settings. Things always start out ok, but after several months when people should reach the point of knowing me or joking around, I get very uncomfortable. I've been at my current job for 2 years and am the quietist person in the office. I will go all day sometimes saying one or two words. Small talk is most awkward. I can tell people feel uncomfortable talking to me. The setting reminds me of high school. I have friends, but no one I see regularly. I prefer to meet random people when I am bored as it is more exciting and anonymous.

When I am with my boyfriend, however, I am completely different - full of energy and life. Our relationship is remarkably stable and healthy. When I feel good it's as if I have always felt good and don't remember ever being sad. When I am numb it's as if I have always been numb. I feel as if I have no realistic perspective. My boyfriend just moved however, and after just a few days I am already back to the numbness/apathy/fatigue.

I am 27 and living with my mother and brother. It nothing near an ideal environment as my mother and I butt heads. But I am afraid of moving out because I hate feeling "stuck" having to work to pay rent and bills. Life starts to feel pointless very quick. It is very hard to deal with the disappointment of where I am at 27 when I had such high hopes for myself. I thought by now I would be a biologist or in grad school. But as I get older it seems more difficult to become anything remotely successful.

Part of me wants to take off somewhere...go on a bus and stay at hostels or go do WWOOF in another country...something to awaken me. But I don't want to come back with nothing and be stuck all over again. Part of me hopes I get depressed again and will come out of it feeling wild and will finally do something crazy to force my eyes open.

I have a great shrink who prescribed me short acting Ritalin as a sort of experiment as my friend seems convinced I have ADD. It helps a lot at work but is short acting and when I'm not on Ritalin it is hard to adjust to the marked change in mood. He suggested we try Wellbutrin instead as it is an antidepressant with Ritalin-like affects.

Anyway...I am not even sure anything is wrong. I just feel a little bored. Nothing is really wrong in my life. I feel like I could be making the whole thing up. This sounds bad but I often wish there was something really wrong...that I had been raped or attempted suicide or something. How awful is that. I know I will come out of this and find something engaging to latch onto. But then I feel like I don't even know who I am or what my personality is. I often feel very juvenile and when I am comfortable I act like a little kid. Is that who I am or do I just want attention? I don't know. Blah.

Anyway I'm not sure what I'm looking for...I guess if anyone can identify or shed some light it would be appreciated...thanks so much for reading. :)  


[User Picture]From: undefinedstar
2009-12-21 02:36 am (UTC)
Wow. I could have written this and I am 27 too! I have been diagnosed with dysthymia, which is apparently really hard to treat. Right now I am on sertaline which I guess is somewhat helping with my anxiety in depression but there is always an underlying low mood. I can be happy and excited about things, but I still have that "low" feeling in my gut. It sucks! You want to enjoy things but it's such a struggle. Sometimes keeping busy really helps to keep you preoccupied. I find if I'm not doing anything, it just makes me really restless and I just start thinking ridiculous things. I'm not really sure of any other advice to give as I am stumped as well. If you find anything that works, let me know :)
(Reply) (Thread)
From: tobalina
2009-12-27 07:46 pm (UTC)
Wow that's so true for me-I HAVE to stay really busy cuz I'm afraid once I don't have anything to keep my mind occupied, it will start dwelling and go right back to that low place. I think that's why my mood fluctuates so much when I find something new to latch onto...just so hard to keep up/find a balance.

I have not heard of sertaline. I have social anxiety (but it's contextual, so is it still social anxiety?) but it doesn't really bother me. I mean it does of course, but I feel like I could deal with the anxiety if I wasn't depressed. Have you tried medication for depression? When Ritalin kicks in at work and I feel really energetic/happy the anxiety isn't nearly as bad. Not sure what that means.

I obviously am stumped as well. Only thing that works for me is staying as busy as possible and making sure I spend time with people even if it takes a lot of effort. Exercise helps but it seems short-lived. There is something about being 27...it's like a curse!
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
(Deleted comment)
From: tobalina
2010-01-18 01:23 am (UTC)
Sorry this is a late response, but just want to say thanks for sharing, and yes I am the same way (a lot of commonalities on here it seems). In fact usually things are fine when I first start a job, but after about 6 months is when it gets really awkward and just goes downhill from there. Like I'm not able to overcome a hump that everyone else overcomes. I guess it's the point where smalltalk and joking around should come naturally...the point where meaningful relationships form beyond aquaintances. I'm just never able to make it to that point :/

Curious how your social anxiety affects you and how you deal with it.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)